Aguillanneuf

You’re like a bird that will not be.

2011 was an interesting year. Here are some things that happened in my life:

• Most of my friends left me and decided to hate me. Still unbeknownst to me is the reason why. I am recovering from this situation slowly, and I am almost past the bitterness.
• I made new friends. It was an attempt to smile and move on, but in the end it proved futile.
• I talked to Fr. John about my lack of faith. He gave me some great advice: “Praying isn’t talking to God, it’s just being with him. Just sitting with him.” I love Fr. John and I hope he is doing well in Waco.
• I discovered Sufjan Stevens and I no longer consider 5 minutes a long amount of time for a song! Give me a 25 minute song.
• I realized so many things. That I’m in control and if I’m unhappy, it is me who holds the blame. 
• I am going to become an aunt. The poor little girl in East St. Louis, my niece, I will probably never meet her. But I love her just the same, already.
• My ex contacted me, which was great, until I realized it was a mistake. I am not ready for anything at all, ever.
• I realized that I will never meet a nice boy until I can be who I am. Until then, I am only hurting people I love.
• I told my parents I was crazy and needed help. It was weird. I cried for so long, driving everywhere, afraid to go back home and face my life.
• I started seeing a counselor, which isn’t as bad as society makes it sound.
• I got accepted into Notre Dame.
• I went to Notre Dame Vision and rejuvinated my hope for a future. 
• My eyes were opened to the fact that my future is exactly that: mine. Not my parents’, my friends’, society’s, whatever. Mine.
• I started taking ballet lessons! 
• My dog Roxie died. I miss her so much still, 7 months later. The other night I had a dream about her. I love her.
• I went to The Hill in St. Louis and liked the houses and the people more than the stores or the food. <3
• I went on a cross country trip to the East Coast to see colleges and had a blast :)
• I started cutting my own hair.
• I wrote a song. It didn’t take me 5 minutes, it took me 17 years.
• I’m trying to stop my bad habits. Thumbs up for me on that!
• I hated Christmas for the first time in a while.
• I stopped being emotionless; or, at least, I am trying to.
• I started dreaming again, and writing the dreams down.
• I started writing to my future husband, because I love him already.
• I biked over a hill and saw my mother lying face down in the gravel with a pool of blood around her forehead. I thought she was dead. Ten minutes later I’m on an ambulance. Thirty minutes later I’m in a hospital. Eight months later (now) I still haven’t gone biking with my mom since April! :(

Well, that’s lame. But it’s my life! At least one year of it. 2012 will be better. You know why? Not because I’m leaving this town and going to college, not because I’ll meet some awesome guy and fall in love, not because I’ll win some contest or some money, not because of Glee (thought I do love it). It will be because I make it so. I am strong in my resolve, as we all should be. I am so far from perfect, so far from good, so far from anything I wish I could be, but I have two hands and a heart and I am willing to travel. There is a God to inspire me, and a world filled with music and dance and love and people that are screaming at me: “Bianca! You CAN do this! Don’t give up!” I’m starting to take the earmuffs off; starting to listen. This feels like the threshold of a wide door. This is what a beginning feels like, thought it be the Aguillanneuf. Here I am again, one year older, one year over. Wish me luck, anyone & everyone, as I wish you. Please pray for me.

I am very excited to start NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) classes. It’s 12 weeks of once a week for 2 and a half hours a week. Thirty hours. I’m not mentally ill (thank God), but my brother is, and so many people in America and in the world are. It’s important to not be afraid of the mentally ill or to think down of them or to think they are less worthy of living. But it’s hard sometimes to understand what’s really going on inside their brains. Over the next 12 weeks, I hope to learn and to become more tolerant.

You are the one when I watch myself. 

<3

I have 4 cassette tapes and 3 books, albeit from the 60’s and 80’s, and I have a mind and a willingness. I will learn. 

I think I’m not going to celebrate it as an adult. My family makes it all about gifts and emotions and trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings. I ended up feeling filthy and materialistic. Where is God on this holiday? That’s what I like about Christmas, as stupid as it sounds now, in 2011. And as for New Year, 2011 can go fuck itself as being the worst year of my life. Honestly I can’t wait to be gone and not following everyone’s rules. It’s like: once you try to find out who you are, people bother you and it’s like well shit. I still have yet to find a person who understands half of what I babble especially at St. Normal People With Minimal Issues Catholic High School. Honestly every night I want to slip out that back door, onto a bus to nowhere, into nothing and no one. I know it’s not, but it sounds like heaven. The only thing I hold out for is the future. God knows those childish dreams only last so long. So merry fucking Christmas, here’s to a MUCH better 2012. I don’t know what’ll happen if it’s not.

I’ve already met Ben Folds, Greta Salpeter, Chris Faller, and Alex Greenwald. I must meet Sufjan and Regina Spektor. MUST!